Just Because We Smoke Together Doesn’t Mean I Want To Sleep With You Tonight

Gather round kids, it’s time for another tale from dating land. If you’re like any other 20- 30 something, you’ve probably turned to the online dating scene at least once. Things are finally getting back to normal and I was heavily single during lockdowns, so the mood struck me to download Bumble and check out the local scene. Before we get into it, you might find it interesting to know that my relationship with Bumble is kind of like a toxic ex in itself something you keep going back to over and over, even though you know you’re probably better off without it. I’ve sworn it off several times, but I met my last boyfriend there, so it’s not all bad. Also the weathers warming up, so was my heart. Sue me, I’m a hopeless romantic.

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Anyway, I reactivated my account and swiped for a day or two. I connected with a few marketing execs, a chef and a government employee or two before landing on a very cute in a nerdy way six foot plus guy I’ll call Jim. Not only was Jim actually tall, he was smart and funny. This guy was, I shit you not, an aerospace engineer and a comedian. I could just envision a charming hilarious Clark Kent and to top it off, he was head and shoulders above the rest in terms of interesting conversation. We had a few good conversations and he asked me out quickly. I quickly said yes, and we agreed to meet on Friday night at the comedy club where he did stand up on the weekends. He told me to meet him at 8:30 and I got there at 8:15. I was eager, I guess.

Jim showed up and he was a dream. He actually reminded me of Jim from The Office, which is like an ideal man for me. We sat near the stage, and grabbed a round of drinks. We were laughing it up as, one comedian after another came up to do their set. Most of them called attention to him in some way. I was having a great time. There was an intermission, and he asked me if I wanted to step outside to vape some pot with him. I thought, the only thing that could make this night more awesome is weed, so I agreed. We exited by the stage door, and lit up. I took a couple pulls but he was smoking like his life depended on it. A little odd, but nothing too out of the ordinary. We went back inside, and that’s when things started to go off the rails.

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Jim laughed loud. I mean, embarrassingly loud. He started doing this thing where he slapped his knee in an exaggerated motion every time someone told a joke. Loud enough to cause attention to himself. I knew it was bad when one of his comedian friends told him to pipe down from the stage. He started to get a little grabby under the table too, and I had to push his hand off my thigh. After the show was over was when it started getting even weirder. We had agreed to get late night ice cream after the club, but he started congregating with his friends after. I was left to stand kind of awkwardly off to the side like Tina Belcher while Jim kept doing that loud ass laugh. After twenty(!) minutes I finally pulled him to the side to confirm whether he wanted to continue the date.

He told me he wanted to go back to his place instead of ice cream. I must have looked confused, because he responded, “Well, that’s what most chicks want to do after I bring them here. I work for ___. It’s kind of assumed.” It was my turn to laugh loudly. I opened the app and unmatched, told him to fuck off, and walked to the Metro just in time to catch the red line. On the way home, I stopped by the CVS to grab a pint of Halo Top, and had my ice cream on my couch. It might sound funny, but I actually laughed about it later. It’s been a while since I had a bad date. Can’t wait for more.