Freshman year of college, I got pink eye in both of my eyes. Don’t ask how, I still don’t know. All I know was that the dorm shower was a veritable petri dish of bacteria, and like a lot of others, I got pretty sick pretty fast. I took a shower one night, then woke up to crusty eyes that were blazing red. I couldn’t go to class like that, so I decided to start my day with a little wake and bake since, then grabbed some sunglasses and headed over to the campus clinic.
Unfortunately, it was just at the part of the semester when people are catching all manner of dorm diseases and flu season is starting to pick up. So even though I got there about an hour after they opened, there was already a pretty substantial line and wait times. My school’s clinic facility didn’t take appointments, so I settled in and waited to hear my name. One hour went by, then another. I was so hungry I ordered a sandwich from a nearby place and, scared that my name would be called, I raced downstairs and across the street to pick it up. I bought it back in 10 minutes flat, and raced back, panting and out of breath. I ran up to the receptionist, who blithely confirmed that they had called my name twice and hadn’t heard from me, so they moved on. She invited me to have a seat and wait until something opened up. Long story short, I spent all day waiting. Finally, at 5 pm, they told me the doctor had left and I could not get any drops, but that I could come back the next day to try again. Meanwhile, I was SUPER contagious, and my eyes looked disgusting.
You’d think that would have stopped me from going to my hookup’s house that night, but no. What can I say? You leave 18 year old’s to their own hormones and devices with no guidance, and some bad decisions are bound to get made. I went over (without taking any medication) and at their behest, I took the biggest bong rip of my life, like this was a monster of a bong rip. I spent the next five minutes coughing my brains out and being laughed at by my crush, but after that, she looked at me and asked how long had I been on eyedrops. Given that I was high as fuck, I had no walls up and I instantly revealed that I had taken no drops. She promptly kicked me out of the house, and warned me not to come back unless I had proof that I had medication.
Driving back to campus I was super stoned and I must have also been super paranoid, because I hit a huge pothole and instantly thought I had driven over an old man. My paranoia, plus the fact that I had recently watched the movies ‘Crash’, and “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. So, I called my roommate and started hysterically telling her I killed an old man and he is being dragged under my car. She asked questions where was I? Did anyone see what happened? Was there any blood? Was I hurt? Did I ever get out of the car? I answered 95% of her questions with “I don’t know”, and kept on driving. In my head, I felt I was trying to be strong, but I was hysterically crying all the way back to campus thinking security was going to stop me and I was going to get arrested and sent to jail.
The ride felt like it was hours, but it was really about 10 minutes. I got increasingly shaky as I approached the large gates and waited in a small line for the security check. As I rolled up to campus, with a dry mouth, my red eyes, and sweaty palms, I still breezed through security. As it turned out, I had not killed an old man. My roommate came out and together we confirmed there was nothing on my car, or on me, to indicate anything had happened except a routine ride home. Relieved, I went back to my dorm room and washed my hands for 45 minutes. Then I slept for 12 hours. I did get the eyedrops, eventually, but I avoided any major bong rips until after that.